The Night Before
Tomorrow is Bunny's IFSP. For those of you not "in the know", the IFSP is when I have a meeting with the social worker and Bunny's therapists to talk about the goals we set for him 6 months ago at the last IFSP. We look at his scores from the tests that the therapists have been doing in the last few weeks and see where he is developmentally and what he qualifies for as far as services. Then we talk about the goals for the next six months and what services will be started or stopped in order to reach those goals.
I have to admit that I am dreading tomorrow's meeting. I love our therapists and I love having them all in the same room talking about how to best help my boy. I loathe seeing the stupid test results. I have a pretty good idea of where Bunny will be and honestly....it just makes me sad.
I know that where Bunny's at developmentally doesn't give or take away from his value as the perfect little person he is. If there were a score for making his mama's heart sing with one little crinkly eyed smile he would be light years ahead of his age. I just wish that things were easier for him. I would trade all the Starbucks in the world for him to be walking into that meeting tomorrow holding my hand.
This month has been hard for me. It's hard for me to share with people that I am struggling because he is struggling. I feel like I need to stay positive all the time so others will continue to set the bar high for him. I don't want people to feel sorry for him and I don't want people to feel sorry for me because that is not what I feel. At the same time I never want to paint an unrealistic version of our life.
So, yes, it's hard for me at times. I cry because my son is a good year behind developmentally. I cry because while so many of his peers with down syndrome are walking and drawing and holding their own, my little Bunny is happy as a clam to army crawl, seeing no need to walk when he can break dance his way across the floor. It breaks my heart when the other three kids are running in the backyard and Bunny is watching from the window.
We have big changes coming for him in the next month and I am truly hoping that by mixing things up we find his inner tiger. In the meantime, think of me tomorrow in our meeting and pray that I can keep it together and not break down in an ugly blubbery mess (like I may have done in front of the nutritionalist but not about Bunny. Embarrassing. It's been that kind of month.)