Late Monday night, I was holding my sweet boy while he slept when I suddenly had a flashback. I tend to trigger memories very easily and strongly through smells and the smell of hospital scented Bunny took me back to our first days together in the NICU. I felt the strong emotions of those first days for only a millisecond and then realized that we have come so far.
I thought back to how afraid I was of him and all his wires and quirks and all the unknown. And here I was sitting with my brave strong boy who just flew through his surgery with ease and I was maneuvering the wires like an old pro.
I thought about how I was afraid I wouldn't love him and how ridiculous that was because I couldn't love him any more if I tried.
I thought about how I was so worried that he wouldn't connect with me as his mom and be calmed by my presence in the way that my other children do. As he came to the other night he was instantly calmed when I was able to hold him. He wrapped his little chubby arms around me and settled back to a drowsy peaceful sleep. I am without a doubt...his momma.
I remember I read a blog in the hospital that had a bunch of pictures of a boy with down syndrome and the mom had said that she didn't see the down syndrome anymore. I had looked at the pictures and thought "Well I do". But I get what she means 100% now. I truly don't see down syndrome when I look at my son. I just see my boy with his bright blue eyes and his huge smile of sunshine. The features that are his because he has an extra chromosome don't look like down syndrome when I look at him. They just look like the familiar features of my son who I love with my whole heart.