The Bubble is Popped

Before the boys were born, I lived in a happy bubble of easy parenting.  We got pregnant easy, had no scares or miscarriages and my biggest medical concern was allergies. Life was easy(ish) and uncomplicated.  Then I found out we were having twins.  I knew that carrying twins could present more problems than carrying a singleton.  I began to worry..

At one of my ultrasounds of the boys I saw a very clear picture of Bunny's face and I heard the words down syndrome in my mind.  My heart lurched, my breath stopped and I quickly looked at my doctor's face to see her concern... but she had none.  I convinced myself that Bunny just looked like Boogie (which I think he does.  They both have round faces and big eyes).  All the way home from the Drs I thought about it but told myself that nothing like down syndrome happened to me.  We lived a very average life and I was worrying over nothing.

(Consequently, I doubt I saw anything that looked like down syndrome.  I think God was just trying to give me a hint.  I love that memory though.  My first real look at my sweet boy)

I pushed it so far to the back of my mind that I was SHOCKED when Bunny was born and they told me he had down syndrome.  There were other signs besides the ultrasound too but I just chose to rationalize them away and told myself I was being paranoid.

Something changed/broke in me when I received that diagnosis.  It made me come to terms with the fact that we are not immune to difficult events.

The first few months after the boys were born I was more than a little neurotic.  Whenever I thought that one of the boys was in danger I went into a severe stress mode and once I realized they were safe a HUGE wave of relief would wash over me that was so intense I could feel the wave crash through my body.  I had always been a fairly relaxed parent but I was wound very tight when these guys were tiny.

It wasn't just for the boys.  I remember Daddy telling me he thought Baby looked a little pale one night and I immediate convinced myself she probably had leukemia and that I had been so caught up with the boys that I had missed it.  She was just overtired.

I have definitely evened out and I don't operate at the same level of stress.  I do operate with a little bit more reality though.  Before the boys, I would have probably ruled out any serious concerns immediately while now I want them all looked into just to be sure.  It is as if my perfect bubble of denial has burst and now I know that we are not immune to anything.  I don't dwell on it and I don't feel overly fearful because I know we will handle things as they are given to us.  I am just more aware.  I might consult Dr Google and Dr You Tube a bit more often as well.

So if I sound overly concerned or neurotic about one of my kids you are just going to have to bear with me and give me grace and realize that my bubble has been popped.  I'm not trying to be over dramatic or doom and gloom....I am just being thorough.  I would rather not have any more surprises.

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